Today’s post is the second in our Trust Summer Series! Cassandra shares her personal story of learning to trust God in the midst of brokenness and anxiety. So beautiful!
Darkness pressed in on my brain, heavy and suffocating. My rapidly blinking eyes barely staved off the tears. My pen scraped across the pages of my notebook and released the trapped energy in cursive words: Bolivia. Lord. Help.
There I was, sitting in a team meeting for my upcoming missions trip to Bolivia, and anxiety had stolen my ability to breathe. The others wore calmness like sweatshirts, natural and comfortable, whereas I felt like I was trapped in a dress that was too tight and too short, uncomfortable and out of place.
Only a few months before had I surrendered dreams of Thailand, crushed in the space of an hour and expelled with tears. In the week I had left, I’d looked at my options and found them lacking but for one—Bolivia, a country I’d never even heard of.
I’d chosen the trip because it was the only promising option, but what if God had other plans? What if the trip had simply been that—my choice, not God’s?
I registered the feeling of pain in my hand and looked down—my nails were digging into the back of my hand, an attempt to punish myself for the anxiety gripping my mind. Horror jerked my hands apart. All this, I knew, was abnormal.
Normal people didn’t cry when they turned in the trip money. Normal people didn’t have to keep themselves from hyperventilating during team meetings. Normal people were excited for missions trips.
God, I want what You want, but I don’t know what that is. Why can’t I hear You?
Little did I know that God would use the trip, despite my anxieties and failures, to open my heart to what He wanted.
My vision for my future had been very limited: staying in America, living in a suburb, writing books, raising my kids—all in all, living a safe, comfortable life.
God had different plans.
He gave me a love for the Spanish language, for Latin America and its people, for foreign countries. He gave me the desire to use my money to help people, not to waste it on materialistic accumulation. He rearranged my plans for my life and told me to trust Him.
Trust—such a simple concept that is so difficult to put into practice. It means that I relinquish my control and let someone else take over. That’s terrifying because it means that I don’t know what will happen, and I hate failure.
A synonym for trust is “faith,” which means it’s crucial to Christianity.
What is the essence of trust? I think the answer is found in Isaiah 26:3: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.”
So, trust brings “perfect peace.” I don’t know about you, but I want that perfect peace. First, though, I need to trust in God—and trust happens when my mind is “stayed on [God].” If I fix my thoughts on Him, my problems seem insignificant in the wake of His majesty and glory. The great unknown of my future is known to God, which means I don’t need to worry about it.
Verse 4 goes on to say, “Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.” He is our Rock! He is unmovable, unshakeable. He is “not a man, that he should lie, or…change His mind” (Numbers 23:19).
Throughout Isaiah, He repeats, “I am God, and there is no other.” Isaiah 46:9-11 says, “I am God, and there is none like me, declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish all my purpose.’ I have spoken, and I will bring it to pass; I have purposed, and I will do it.”
He knows what will happen. He keeps His word. He is someone worthy of trust.
So no, I do not know what I am doing with my future. I do not know if I will spend my life in the United States of America or Latin America or somewhere else entirely. I do not know exactly what I am going to do. But that is okay—
Because I trust that God will use me, broken and anxious as I am, to accomplish His purpose. And I know that no matter what happens, He is sovereign and good. He did not promise a safe, comfortable life, but I am not sure that I want a safe, comfortable life anymore. I want a life that brings glory to His name, and I don’t think I can do that living in a bubble.
As Psalm 56:3-4 says, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?”
Cassandra loves learning that can apply to her novels, namely psychology. She wants to travel to dozens of countries and learn dozens of languages and read thousands of books, but she doesn’t have the time or money for all that since she is a college student. She hopes that her life will always glorify the name of God.